Are You Having the Same Argument in Different Forms?

Conflict often starts with the subject on the surface:

Money.

Housework.

Sex.

Parenting.

Work.

Family.

Phones.

Schedules.

But underneath the argument there is often something else:

You don’t listen to me.

I don’t matter to you.

You don’t trust me.

Nothing I do is good enough.

I’m carrying this relationship by myself.

That’s usually where the more important conversation begins.

What Do You Want Your Behavior to Stand For?

CBT helps us examine interpretations and assumptions during conflict.

ACT adds a useful values question:

What kind of partner, parent, family member, or person do you want to be when you’re angry?

You can be angry and still behave according to your values.

You can feel defensive and still listen.

You can disagree and remain respectful.

You can experience discomfort without immediately escaping the conversation.

The goal becomes less:

“How do I win?”

and more:

“How do I want to handle this?”